You know what’s frustrating? Writer’s block. It’s such a weird concept. I have so many things to say, and yet I don’t know how to say them. It feels quite unfair. Do I really deserve not to get into grad school, even if I have all of the passion and smarts and whatever else they want, just because I couldn’t think of what to say on the one day when I really needed to know what to say?
Well, maybe that’s not the entire issue. Maybe the issue is that I waited this long to start. Okay, I’m starting to take some of the blame now. But that wasn’t my fault either, because I’ve been so busy. My job is really demanding and I work some pretty long hours. And don’t I deserve weekends to rejuvenate?
Yes. But if I really, truly wanted to do a great job on this paper, wouldn’t I have found a way to make it happen? I have that kind of faith in myself, the faith that I can pull through even when times are hard or deadlines are looming. That’s one thing I learned in college.
And yet here I sit, two days before this application is due, not with a blank page in front of me but- even worse- with several pages of nonsense, my attempts at writing something compelling that have been deemed unworthy. I have a bunch of something, which might be even worse than none of anything, because it means that I tried and I couldn’t do it.
Isn’t it funny how much every tiny thing you do can cause you to reflect on your life? Here I am having a tough time writing my personal statements for grad school and because I’m thinking it out I’m seeing, in this one small moment, patterns of my entire personality: the self-criticism, the little bits of faith, even the constant over-thinking. These core parts of my life are apparent even in the microcosm of sitting at the computer and trying to write an essay.
I remember one college essay I wrote about analyzing dreams. I talked about how much I loved to find meaning in every tiny, random firing of neurons, and how this passion maps onto my everyday life. I imagine it something like X-Ray vision: for every event or person I see, I observe the outside but I’m also looking at the inside. I’m looking at why all of these things are the way they are and why they happen the way that they do. And I think it’s really fun to do this, which is a good thing because I doubt I could stop even if I wanted to.
And that’s why I like to write. I love to look at the little things and grow them into something big and important. I love to start my reader off on something seemingly trivial and then hit them at the end with the big realization. Because that’s one of the best parts of life, isn’t it? Allowing yourself to be moved by even the little things and to see the wonder in places where it’s invisible until you look hard enough. And once you do that, you can see the beauty in everything.
Even in a little bit of writer’s block.